I thought that he is you...

Assalamualaikum..

Before I met you, I’ve cried whole-heartedly as I was afraid that things would go wrong. I was totally against the meet-up. But I didn’t cancel the meeting set up by your mum. I wasn’t able to say no because your mum was too kind to be turned down by someone like me. If I have your contact number at that moment, I am surely will text you and say, “Sorry, I’m not interested to know you.”

Before I met you that morning, I did istikharah, prayed that Allah will guide our hearts and path. We promised to meet somewhere. I saw you at the end of hallway, and we were looking at each other. Only us. That was the first time we met, but we both knew at instance, “It’s you, right?” But we pretend like we didn’t see each other, until I greeted your mother (Only me in my family who have met your parents before).

You told your sister-in-law that you want to talk to me. So we sat down facing each other. We had a little chat, talking about ourselves and our future together.  I was nervous and shy, couldn’t look you in the eyes. But that one moment, I braced myself and looked at you.

The time freeze. I fall in love.

That prayer which I always whispered to Allah, “Robbana hablana min azwajina wa zurriyyatina qurrota ‘akyun, suddenly echoed in my mind. I believed that Allah gave His answer at instance, that you are the one.

But that was in the past. Before things out of sudden went wrong. You texted me, saying lets part ways, I did nothing wrong, I was very kind, just we weren’t meant to be, and that you were sorry for did this to me and my family. I was so stunned. I forwarded your message to my mother. My mum like you so much. She called me right away, said it’s okay..don’t be sad. I repeatedly told her, “I am okay. Ummi please don’t cry..’cause I will if you cry.” Mum said she won’t. But later I found out that after she hung up, she cried and couldn’t sleep that night because she knew that I was really sad and she wasn’t there to comfort me.

I lost 3kg within 2 weeks. I fake a smile in front of others, but cried when I was alone. I worked till late night, so that my mind got exhausted, easily fall asleep, so that I won’t thinking of you.

Three months has passed, I still see your shadows everywhere. Lucky you. I heard you found someone else already. Tomorrow is your reception, right? Sorry I wasn’t able to pray good things for you, as I still struggle to forget you, try hard consoling myself not to get hurt when the news were revealed to me.

I’m going for umrah this December insya-Allah. I guess Allah wants to console me by inviting me to His House. I want to see Allah so much, cry hard in front of Him, ‘cause crying in my sujood doesn’t feel enough.

Somehow I believed..O Allah..why should I be dissapointed, when my hope is in You..and why should I feel betrayed, when my trust is on You. J